


In Too Deep

by Troodster1972



Category: Star Trek: Picard, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Emotional Hurt, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25610647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Troodster1972/pseuds/Troodster1972
Summary: It's hard to maintain a relationship when only one of you is ever present.
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway & Seven of Nine
Comments: 21
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing Janeway, and I will be honest, I found it more difficult than I expected.
> 
> The title is from the Genesis song "In Too Deep". It was playing on a random playlist and I heard the line "You know I love you, but I just can't take this." and I had the image of this scenario flash into my head. The main part came to me at 1am in the midst of Lockdown Insomia.
> 
> please leave a wee comment if you have any.

Seven sighed as she placed the uneaten plate of food into the recycler unit once more and then leaned heavily on the edge of the counter. Had it not been for her eidetic memory she would happily have lost count of how many times she had repeated this act. 293 nights in the past 12 months alone she had prepared them a meal, for one to sit untouched, its intended recipient not turning up to eat it. She wondered why she continued to bother, there were one or two things which the Borg were right about, she thought to herself, some things were indeed futile. Tonight, however, this would be the last time.

Pushing up from the worktop she made to leave the kitchen. She methodically moved around the home they had shared for the past 9 years, gathering up the few remaining personal items which she had acquired over time and placed them into the holdall on the kitchen table. Checking the clock, she calculated how much longer remained until she had to be at the transporter coordinates. Retrieving a discarded PADD from the counter she hit the button to reactivate it from its dormant state and began to compose the note which she had never wanted to write.

“ _My dearest Kathryn_ ," she began.  
*delete*

“ _Kathryn_ ” she continued.  
“It is with regret that I find myself compiling this message …………” She ceased her typing as she heard the sounds of the door opening.

With a sudden and unexpected pang of apprehension, she returned the PADD to the counter and breathed deeply. She could hear Kathryn bustling around in the hallway, a bag being placed on the floor, a coat being removed and hung up.

Eventually, she appeared in the kitchen doorway.

“Evening” she offered as she brushed past Seven without a glance, taking her habitual route to the coffee machine.

“Hi” Seven responded, “I did not expect you home. Not this early anyway”

“Mmhh, you eaten?” Kathryn asked, eyes not straying from her coffee-making task.

“Hours ago. I have just thrown yours out. Again”. Said Seven glancing down at her booted feet. “We…….. need to talk.” she continued, lifting her eyes to look in Kathryn’s direction watching her prepare the mug of steaming liquid.

“Can we do it later Seven, I’m just home, I’m hungry and I’m tired.”

“Had you been home on time then you would be feeling neither” She added sharply.

“Kathryn. What we must talk about must be said now.” Seven stated, her apprehension now tinged with a familiar sense of frustration.

Lifting her mug Kathryn turned to face Seven, other hand resting on her left hip and breathing out loud sigh as if to emphasise her previous statement. “Go ahead”. She waved a hand towards Seven and finally making eye contact

Seven sucked in a breath and swallowed thickly, holding Kathryn’s gaze as she attempted to settle the growing knot in her stomach.

“You, you know that I love you, Kathryn, but I can’t do this,” she said.

Kathryn held Seven’s gaze for a long moment, considering the statement with the well-practised stoicism which her command role had ingrained upon her.

“Can’t do what?”

“This.” Seven replied with a jut of her chin, implant circling her left eye rising.  
“This…… incessant routine. You are rarely home. On the occasions which you are you return so late that I don’t see you. You leave before I even awake most mornings………..”

“You knew the demands of my position when we embarked on this relationship Seven. We have discussed this countless times” Kathryn interjected before Seven could continue.

“It was not to this extent Kathryn”

Kathryn lifted her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose, eyes closing.

“And yes, I have attempted to discuss this, this - problem with you on more occasions than I care to recall.” Seven continued. “However. Despite my wishes, despite my requests that you at least attempt to curtail even some of your working hours - you have not. If anything, you are working even longer hours. At the least, it is unhealthy to work such excessive hours never mind the toll it is taking on us……….  
I feel. I feel that you no longer contribute to our home. Nor to this relationship.” The words seemed to flow from her mouth as though a dam had suddenly released them from Seven’s heart. Unwanted tears begin to threaten her eyes as she spoke as she waited for a response.

Kathryn placed her steel coffee mug down on the counter, with a somewhat louder clunk than she had expected, her brows rising in a display of surprise at what Seven had declared.  
Pursing her lips she paused, considering her response.

“I don’t contribute?” She pulled her lips between her teeth, biting back the urge to raise her voice.

“What do you want me to do Seven? You knew what making Vice Admiral would mean. The hours and the amount of time that I’d be away would increase dramatically…...”

“Not to this extent!” Seven exclaimed. “You are rarely home. Even at weekends. And when you are you rarely have time for us. You are busy, you are home, yes, yet you work in your office. There is no ‘us’ any more Kathryn.”

If she were honest with herself Kathryn had seen the cracks in their relationship begin to appear after her promotion, yet, instead of attempting to address the issues, she had raised her good old shields, erected her protective walls and avoided it. Her stubborn Celtic heritage not permitting her to back down.

“What are you saying?” Kathryn asked, pursing her lips, hands splayed around her hips.

“I can’t do this. Not any more.” Seven’s voice beginning to break with emotion which she desperately tried to control. “I am sorry. I have tried so many times to talk with you regarding these things, yet each time you shirk any responsibility”

“I’m not the only one who wasn’t here,” Kathryn’s irritation and frustration beginning to rise. “You were off saving the galaxy with the Rangers” she added, hand waving, gesturing to the heavens.

“I spent time away with the Rangers because it was better than residing in an empty home, however in comparison, that time was small. But I made time to attempt to call you whenever I could, to leave you messages - none of which you replied to latterly. I would inform you of how long I would be away, or when I would return. But even then, you were never home.” Seven’s breath short as she fought to hold her emotions in.

The older woman could feel frustrated tears now threatening.

“I have tried for far too long Kathryn. I cannot try any longer. I have nothing left”. Her final word barely making it into existence as her struggle against her emotions began to crumble.  
“For a long time, I believed that it was something which I had done. Something about me which kept you from our home.”

Seven watched as Kathryn paced up and down the opposite side of the dining table. Hand on hip, the other raised to rub across her forehead

“I have tried to repair our relationship Kathryn, but now - now I feel that it is a futile course of action. You give no time, there has been no intimacy, ….. No signs of love nor affection from you despite my attempts. I believe that our relationship is irretrievably damaged. It is wounding me. And I cannot allow myself to remain in a relationship where all attempts to salvage it are one-sided.”

Becoming aware of the bag which sat on the table, Kathryn slowly shook her head, the realisation of what was happening beginning to impact.

“you’re. ……. You’re leaving? Is that what you’re saying” a quiver broke in Kathryn’s voice.

Seven slowly nodded her head as a faint “Yes” escaped from her lips. “I am sorry”. A tear finally breached the confines of her implant surrounded eye.

“You’re just walking away?”

“I am protecting myself from further pain.”

“Where will you go?” Asked Kathryn. Hoping that her partner hadn’t thought that far.

“Captain Rios has agreed to let me stay on board the ship. My personal belongings have already been transported there. I have collected my remaining items to take with me”

“You were just going to leave?..... Let me come home to an empty house Seven?”

“If you had, then you would have known how I have felt for most of the time.” Seven bit back

Kathryn couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Seven was serious. This was actually happening. She found herself frantically searching her mind for ways, for reasons, hell…….for excuses for what was unfolding before her. Had she really taken her for granted? Simply assumed that she would always just be there.

“Seven……….. Please…..” she couldn’t find any other words to offer. “Please, let me try….”

“No” Seven cut her off “no, you say that each time, yet nothing changes. I am sorry Kathryn, I do love you. But I can’t. I won’t. I lost so much of my life, and yes you helped me to reclaim it, but now it feels that I live an empty existence with you. I will not continue this any longer,” The blond woman’s tears now flowed freely as she emptied her soul.

Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, hesitating before the words came.

“...are you seeing someone else….?” the question came in barely a whisper, her stomach sinking at the thought of what reply might come.

“No”

“Have you ever…….?”

“I have never been unfaithful to you Kathryn”

Kathryn slowly nodded in quiet acknowledgement.

“Thank you” the words barely audible, as a slow tear crept down her face.

Seven took the step forward to lift the bag from the table.

“I have a transport window to make.”

Lifting the bag to her shoulder, Seven met Kathryn’s gaze as watched her take tentative steps towards the blonde.

“Seven……. “  
Her hand clutched at her breast as the reality of her lover leaving her caused a tangible pain.  
“Seven, please. You can’t just walk out on us” she found herself pleading.

“There hasn’t been an ‘us’ for a long time. I’m sorry. Truly Kathryn.”

Kathryn reached her hand towards her beloved, desperate to prevent her from leaving. “Please.”

Seven turned to the door. As she moved away she turned to glance over her left shoulder.

“.............goodbye Kathryn”


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seven returns to La Sirena after leaving Kathryn, and they both deal with the aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was genuinely surprised by the response to this story, I actually hadn't intended it to be any more than a stand-alone piece, however, a number of people have been asking me to continue it so here goes.......
> 
> please leave a wee comment if you feel inclined.

Kathryn didn’t know how long she had stood looking at the door after Seven had left. All she did know was that each heartbeat had felt like an eternity. Each breath had been filled with an ache which consumed her. She hadn’t noticed when the tears had ended, replaced with numbness of which she had never experienced. Not when things had ended with Mark. Not even after the passing of each of her parents. The pain was unlike any she had felt in all of her years.

She had genuinely expected Seven to return, but as time had passed she had slowly succumbed to the reality. Seven had left. 

Hazy morning sun breaching the kitchen window found her sitting on the floor. She had made no effort to climb the stairs to their bedroom. Her bedroom. She was alone. For the first time in her life, Kathryn Janeway was alone. Growing up she had her mother and sister whilst her father was off exploring the stars with Starfleet. Her Academy days were shared with other cadets both at class and room-mates, there had been her fellow crew on board the various vessels which she served on board and, of course on Voyager.

Even the brief few years when she had her home to herself she hadn’t felt this alone. 

She sat on the cold floor as though the pain and discomfort were somehow justified. She had driven away the one good thing in her life. Her stubbornness, her selfishness had caused this woman whom she adored with her whole heart, to finally go. To leave. 

Slowly she rose, somewhat painfully, from the ground. Her legs and buttocks screamed in protest. Nothing less than she knew she deserved. She felt her stomach growl in protest and realised that she hadn’t eaten since lunch the previous day. As Seven had pointed out when she had eventually returned home last night, she had thrown out the meal which she had prepared for them both. ‘How many times had she done that?’ Kathryn wondered. How many meals had this woman prepared in the vain hope that she would return home in time to share it with her? How many times had she forced the woman she loved to go through what she was feeling now….. to sit alone, hoping her partner would come home. She recalled what Seven had said to her last night when she asked if she had planned on allowing her to come home to an empty house:  
“If you had, then you would have known how I have felt for most of the time.”  
Now, she could see all those times she had done just that. Hot tears began to fall as her mind bombarded her with recollections of night after night after night of returning to a darkened home. Cutlery would still be set for her on the table. Seven already asleep in their bed. Most nights she would lie awake and watch the stunning features of her blond lover as she slept. How many times she had wanted to reach out and touch the metal remnant which curved around her brow. Frequently her fingers would hover just above it, resisting for fear that the touch would waken her and she would actually need to deal with the situation. God, she had known that she was failing Seven. Time had hardened her, made it easier to simply ignore it all.  
But what had it cost her?

=/\=

Seven’s form shimmered as it re-materialised on the transporter pad of La Sirena. Stepping down she silently acknowledged Agnes at the console and walked quietly away towards the living quarters. As she made her along the corridor Rios’s voice called to her.

“Hey. Things ok?” he asked the tall blonde as he came closer. She had confided in Chris when she’ asked if he would mind storing her belongings on board. He hadn’t objected, he had a healthy fear of her, he had said in jest, attempting to lighten the mood, which Seven had appreciated.  
Seven simply allowed her shoulders to slump and breathed a deep sigh in response. She truly didn’t have the energy to discuss the evening’s events and continued towards the solitude of her own space. 

From her seat in the mess area, Raffi nursed her cooling mug of coffee and watched the scene before her. Curious as to the exchange between Chris and Seven. The two women hadn’t known each other for that long, but they had quickly established a firm friendship. They both had somewhat chequered pasts and had shared their histories with each other during quiet evenings spent in shared companionship. Raffi felt she could open up to Seven in a way which she had seldom done before, and Seven, in return, had told Raffi about her time in the collective, sharing details which she had not revealed to others, including Kathryn. There had been no judgments, no trite words of understanding or absolution. Just an ear to listen and a shoulder when required.

Raffi entertained the thought of checking on her friend but quickly pushed the idea aside, sensing that for now, what Seven had looked like she needed more, was space.

Dropping her holdall onto the table inside her quarters Seven collapsed herself onto the couch, feeling as though gravity had swallowed her. For a long moment she sat, hands dropped either side of her hips as she allowed her head to drop back and rest upon the back of the soft furniture. 

Silently, she felt the tears begin to make their way from the corners of her eyes, ghosting wet trails which she could feel scarring their path to her ears until they hit the hairline at the back of her neck. She lifted her arms across her chest and hugged herself, tight, and released a breath which she hadn’t realised she was holding. Sobs began to wrack her chest as the pent up emotions of the evening forced their way out of her. She allowed herself to cry. She cried through the sound of Kathryn’s pained voice behind the door as she left. She cried for the years of attempting to repair a relationship which had grown increasingly one-sided. She cried because, despite everything, she still loved Kathryn.  
She cried, until her body succumbed to sleep, exhausted from the outlay of her emotion.

=/\=

Kathryn sat behind the desk of her home office, she had intended sending a message to Seven however she simply couldn’t find the words to convey what was in her heart. The hours passed as she stared at the PADD before her, wishing that the small device were able to send the contents of her soul instead of her needing to express them. How could she verbalise the emptiness she felt inside? How could she even begin to repair this? The guilt and regret which was creeping through her was tangible.  
She picked up the PADD and began her tentative writing.

=/\=

Seven was quiet during the morning’s breakfast. Raffi had brought her a mug of coffee and laid a gentle hand on her arm as she took a seat beside her friend. 

“Here if you wanna talk honey.” she offered, giving her forearm a soft squeeze.

Seven raised her brow wondering just how much Raffi knew.

“Chris just told me the minimum babe, he didn’t go into much detail. Don’t worry.” Raffi whispered out the side of her mouth, ensuring that the rest of their companions wouldn’t over-hear.

Blue eyes glanced downwards to the floor for a moment as she pondered what to say.

“Thank you” she responded, as gentle brown eyes creased an understanding smile in return.

Soji and Elnor cleared breakfast dishes into the recycle unit whilst Agnes and Chris headed off towards the bridge as Seven and Raffi sat close together enjoying the silent company.

“Seven………. A moment, if you don’t mind……..” Picard’s distinguished voices broke their lull as he gestured off to one side.

Quietly, Seven rose from her seat, ‘did he know?’ she wondered as she followed him off to the side of the main living area.

“I received a transmission from Kathryn this morning. She is…. asking if you are alright.”

Seven sighed deeply, averting her eyes to avoid his gaze.

“I am fine.”

“Could we talk somewhere? We could - sit in my study if you like?”

Searching her mind for some kind excuse to decline the ageing man’s request Seven began to shake her head almost imperceptively.

“Here will do…..” she said as she gestured towards her nearby quarters.

The doors announced their closing with and efficient whoosh Seven pointed a metal-tipped finger towards the couch, offering Picard a seat. 

“Thank you” she received, as he sat with the slowness his growing age brought.

“Kathryn explained to me what has happened,” Picard explained with his usual preciseness.  
“and…. admits full responsibility.”

Seven kept her focus fully on the wall. “That’s big of her” she responded quietly with an indifferent raise of her brows.

“She asked that I give you this……” Jean-Luc held out a sheet of paper towards Seven.

“What is it?” she queried, looking suspiciously at the paper he held towards her.

“You will find out. She also asked that you permit her to explain in person.”

Seven’s head snapped up to meet his eyes. 

“We asked Rios to transport her whilst we speak,” 

Seven could feel her pulse begin to rise as she shook her head.

Picard raised a hand, halting any hint of argument which Seven could begin to convey.  
“Seven. At least give her the opportunity to explain this…..” he said, motioning to the envelope which he placed into her hand. 

He stood and slowly made for the door. 

“What shall I tell her?”

Clenching her jaw and sucking in a breath Seven found herself nodding her head in approval.

“Ok” came her response in little more than a whisper.

Picard pressed the keypad to open the door, stopping to offer a small smile and lowered his eyes to emphasise the paper which he had passed to her and stepped out.

Looking at the replicated paper between her fingers Seven could her Jean-Luc’s voice outside of her doorway as she gingerly lifted the edge to open the sheet.

As she read the words printed upon the paper she became aware of footsteps approaching. She found herself torn between reading the statement on the white sheet of headed notepaper and lifting her eyes to look at the figure who now stood inside her quarters, doors closing behind her.

A familiar insignia graced the top of the page, a silver arrowhead-shaped logo, Seven allowed her eyes to cruise across the page as she read its contents. As the words registered she found her vision begin to obscure as tears welled behind her lashes.

“You……………… you retired……..” 

“....... I did” a familiar low husky voice returned.

“........for me?” the words barely audible.

“Yes”

“But you love Starfleet………” Seven’s voice now trembling with her emotion, as tears now spilled.

“I love you more. ……” Kathryn said with a tearful smile.

“I didn’t want you to……….” Seven raised the paper between them.

“I did it. Seven, I have been selfish. Stubborn. I have allowed my pride to ……. To destroy the one thing which I truly cherished….. Us……. you mean more to me than anything. More than any promotion. More than any career. Seven, if I don’t have you - I have nothing.”

“Kathryn………. I never wanted you to ……..this …… I - I asked that you work less, but this…..... “ Seven found herself at a loss for words for one of the few times she could recall.

“Sweetheart …..” Kathryn continued. Seven struggled to remember the last time she had used the term on endearment. “I will do - anything - to ….. to show you how much I love you. To try to make up for the way in which I have behaved.” Kathryn held out a trembling hand towards Seven as her own tears rolled unashamedly down her face.  
“I am prepared to do anything, to give up anything, if it means that I can salvage what we have. None of this is your fault Seven, none of it. It’s all on me. I drove you away. The longer it went on, the easier it was to simply ignore the fact that I was failing us. That I was failing you.”  
Kathryn paused, drawing in a breath.  
“Without you, I have nothing.” She declared.  
“I have no right to ask. But……..please, allow me another chance.” pleading eyes held Seven’s gaze. “If I mess it up you have every right to walk away. But please.” 

Seven looked upon the smaller woman as she stood, with a tear-stained face. Seven couldn’t remember seeing Kathryn ever look so vulnerable before. Granted, she would let her guard down when it was the two of them, however, this was Kathryn Janeway almost raw. Seven knew that Kathryn was allowing her to see this side of her, and how much it must be costing the battle-hardened Admiral to expose herself like this.

“If you want me to beg, Seven, I will get down on my knees....”

Seven could feel her resolve crumble as she cast her eyes back down to the letter she held. As her eyes skimmed through it she slowly pulled her lip between her teeth, her brow knitting together as she tried in vain to hold back her tears.  
Kathryn had retired. Effective immediately. 

“They wouldn’t accept my resignation, they agreed on retirement. I told them I wanted it now. As of 0800 this morning, I am no longer Starfleet.” Kathryn told her. “I am all yours……….. If you will have me.” 

She watched as Seven flicked her eyes between her and the letter, as though she could almost see the weight of the decision. 

“I am sure, that it must be …… so hard for you to believe me, that I have said so many times before that I will try harder. Seven, please…….. I love you” she wept those last three words out as she dropped her hands open by her sides.

She searched for a response from the tall woman before her, silently pleading.

Slowly, she saw the slightest nod of her blonde hair………

“.......’k”

“.......ok?” she questioned.

Seven nodded more clearly.

“Ok” 

Gingerly, Kathryn stepped closer to Seven, holding out a trembling hand, praying that it would be accepted. She coughed out a cry as she felt cool, metal-tipped fingers encircle her own as Seven warily allowed her to step into her space. It was all it took for Kathryn’s composure to leave and overwhelming relief burst from her chest. Unable to contain her sobs Kathryn threw her arms around Seven, gripping her tightly. 

“Thank you” she sobbed into the taller woman’s chest. “I love you…..”

Seven allowed her head to drop down as her cheek rested atop Kathryn’s crown, letting her own tears drop down into the greying hair.

“I love you too,” she whispered back.

“I love you too.”


End file.
